#notokay, All Blogs, Hearing Voices, Photography, Relationships, Trauma

#notokay

This is why I write what I write most times.

When does it ever stop?

Will it ever stop?

Most days I’m fine then something like this happens and it stirs up all the memories, all the shit, all the pain.

The most powerful words ever spoken to me: “He can’t hurt you anymore.”.

No maybe not physically, yet carrying years of memories in my skin can’t be of any help either. Because he wasn’t the only one. There were so many.

Sneaky gropes, words, innuendos and the actual physical assaults over the years as a child and an adult.

I ran away from home at fifteen to get away and found myself experiencing even more assaults because I didn’t know how to protect myself except to step away inside, go to a space where no one could get to.

Floodgates have opened here because of #notokay

Now I need to decide whether to shut them down, dam it up or let it loose and wash over me.

 

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(photo credit Wilowispaperio, 2016)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Disturbed, Life, Music, Nu metal, Uncategorized

The Light ~ Disturbed

 

“The Light”

Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It’s not a blight, but a remedy,
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You wait and hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow beckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked awayWhen you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn’t where you think you’d find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don’t be afraid, don’t turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don’t let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don’t let hope become a memory

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Sickening, weakening
Don’t let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Don’t ignore, listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness
Can show you the light

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Dreams, Poetry, Uncategorized, voices

Jupiter

Last night
I laid myself down and
watched Jupiter follow
the wolf moon

then woke surrounded
by concrete, metal and
icy tiled floor

this is not my bed

whispering voices
YOU
s.h.u.t. UP! YOU
CAN’T SAY ANYTHING

I won’t

“Wake up sunshine it’s
time to rise and shine!
Face the day!”

no soft slippers here
saggy black striped soles
blue wrinkly cotton
top and bottoms
white t-shirt no bra

TIE THEM UP!

I want to put the top on
backwards

WHAT SILLINESS
PUT IT ON THE RIGHT WAY
THEY’LL LOOK FOR ANYTHING

compliance is everything

I wander through a
steel door into the hall
others have already started
shuffling towards
small paper cups filled
with bright colorful pills

soft melodic music
works its way
into my awareness

my eyes open
the sun is barely risen,
pink horizon, clear sky
cardinal singing

I touch my fleece robe,
hold it to my face,
smell it while sliding my feet
into my soft slippers as my
tears roil

I can’t undo life and sometimes
neither can my dreams

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Hearing Voices, Poetry, Trauma, Uncategorized

Buried

when I was

sacrificed for their pleasure

abandoned, tossed aside

I didn’t know if I mattered

They spoke my name softly

or spit it disdainfully

did I look up when they spoke

challenge them with my eyes

clenched fists

locked knees

I stayed safely silent and felt it

in the tissues of my soul

It’s still buried there

their voices are still

talking and sometimes I can’t escape

and I become like them selfish and uncaring

and it takes every ounce of strength to pull away

to see me

to see my value

to set my feet in the earth

and know I am not buried

to know

I am alive  …  they aren’t 

 

Droid photos 4678

(photo – wilowispaperio, 2015)

 

 

 

 

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Hearing Voices, Photography, Poetry

Wormwood

bitter orifice
etched in muted face

hurling judgment
angry blows
words slamming

a small babe
destroying her essence

“no good dirty bitch
blighted speck of excrement”

I now see the wormwood
it was rotting your veins
oozing through your pores
blackening your deceptive smile

shhhh

soft voices draped over
my cowering body
took me
away from your craziness
your insanity

kept me safe

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(photo ~ wilowispaperio, 2015)

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Photography, Poetry

velvet and lace

her stance awkward
elbows close to her hips
feet planted firmly
her face speaks loudest

at 16 defiant
untrusting
already weary

at 56
still not trusting
still weary

it’s alright
in the shadows
where she has
draped flowery vines
over her body
and rests on the
south side of the tree
and likes the
moss beneath her
the leaves tickling
her bare skin

there’s no one watching
no one to judge
no harsh words
no pain
except her own

her voices whisper
“you are diamonds
and cool to the touch”

she whispers
“I want to be velvet
and lace”

(Photo credit Wilowispaperio, 2014)

diamonds and lace

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