#notokay, All Blogs, Hearing Voices, Photography, Relationships, Trauma

#notokay

This is why I write what I write most times.

When does it ever stop?

Will it ever stop?

Most days I’m fine then something like this happens and it stirs up all the memories, all the shit, all the pain.

The most powerful words ever spoken to me: “He can’t hurt you anymore.”.

No maybe not physically, yet carrying years of memories in my skin can’t be of any help either. Because he wasn’t the only one. There were so many.

Sneaky gropes, words, innuendos and the actual physical assaults over the years as a child and an adult.

I ran away from home at fifteen to get away and found myself experiencing even more assaults because I didn’t know how to protect myself except to step away inside, go to a space where no one could get to.

Floodgates have opened here because of #notokay

Now I need to decide whether to shut them down, dam it up or let it loose and wash over me.

 

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(photo credit Wilowispaperio, 2016)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dreams, Poetry, Uncategorized, voices

Jupiter

Last night
I laid myself down and
watched Jupiter follow
the wolf moon

then woke surrounded
by concrete, metal and
icy tiled floor

this is not my bed

whispering voices
YOU
s.h.u.t. UP! YOU
CAN’T SAY ANYTHING

I won’t

“Wake up sunshine it’s
time to rise and shine!
Face the day!”

no soft slippers here
saggy black striped soles
blue wrinkly cotton
top and bottoms
white t-shirt no bra

TIE THEM UP!

I want to put the top on
backwards

WHAT SILLINESS
PUT IT ON THE RIGHT WAY
THEY’LL LOOK FOR ANYTHING

compliance is everything

I wander through a
steel door into the hall
others have already started
shuffling towards
small paper cups filled
with bright colorful pills

soft melodic music
works its way
into my awareness

my eyes open
the sun is barely risen,
pink horizon, clear sky
cardinal singing

I touch my fleece robe,
hold it to my face,
smell it while sliding my feet
into my soft slippers as my
tears roil

I can’t undo life and sometimes
neither can my dreams

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Music, Uncategorized, Wookiefoot

Don’t Should on Me ~ Wookiefoot

 

Two men come and disagree to agree
Both one to the other saying what should be
Each climbing higher up self righteous towers
And catapulting “shoulds” back and forth just empowers them
Don’t get me wrong i’m the king of it
Just a little bit hippy hypocrite winging it
Sometimes thinking that i’m knowing everything of it
And putting my should inside a song and singing it
Should as it should maybe sounds absurd
But should could be heard almost every other word
When you should on your friends it’s bad for the health
But you got to be careful not to should on yourself
These Towers of Babel all inevitably fall
With cracks in the walls and the building implodes
From the wreckage and rubble we rebuild another bubble
Cause that’s the way the monkey mind goes

With a “should do this!” and a “should do that!”
Everybody’s just trying to do good
But how many shoulds would a good man say
If he could stop would he stop shoulds
Oh my friend for the wounds to mend
There’s only one thing we should do
Don’t you should on me and i won’t drop my shoulds on you

Frequencies unfold in our numskulls
Like a spark in a dark cave
Where the light and sound waves
Pave a way to mental higher ground
All the little thoughts we collect
Turned them into bricks with our intellect
Build a tower in your hypothalamus and cortex
Our own fortress in our cerebellum
We can carry our convictions to the roof and yell ‘em
At the top of our lungs standing on the top rung

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Hearing Voices, Poetry, Trauma, Uncategorized

Buried

when I was

sacrificed for their pleasure

abandoned, tossed aside

I didn’t know if I mattered

They spoke my name softly

or spit it disdainfully

did I look up when they spoke

challenge them with my eyes

clenched fists

locked knees

I stayed safely silent and felt it

in the tissues of my soul

It’s still buried there

their voices are still

talking and sometimes I can’t escape

and I become like them selfish and uncaring

and it takes every ounce of strength to pull away

to see me

to see my value

to set my feet in the earth

and know I am not buried

to know

I am alive  …  they aren’t 

 

Droid photos 4678

(photo – wilowispaperio, 2015)

 

 

 

 

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