How do we get through times so dark
we are incapable of taking a step in any direction, let alone forward. Yet somehow we are able to put on that smile and go about our business. How does that happen?
In my dark times I am locked in a space where the silence is deafening. I am a child on a rock in a stormy ocean. I’m alone yet filled with sounds that crash through my thoughts. Clamoring, berating, whining voices that keep me locked inside my head. Those who know me well can see it because the light goes out of my eyes. Those who don’t just see the smile.
I’m the kind of person who wants to feel peaceful. Peace comes in many ways. For some it’s busyness and activity and fun-filled, for others it’s having a quiet and comforting space. Happiness is not peace. Peace can be found in the midst of that crashing storm. Happiness is subject to our whims.
So when I find myself in the midst of the storm and there is no peace, I’m in a difficult and dangerous place. There is no connection to anything around me. The birds stop singing, the waterfall no longer crashes, my surroundings fade away. It’s like I’m standing in fog so dense there is no sound.
I have people I can turn to when I need help and I’m good at that when it’s something tangible, like I’m in physical pain or need something. But when I’m locked in that dark place, I can’t see a way out and I don’t ask for help.
That’s my question, how do we get through that space and back into the light, the peace?
I have a few very close friends who can see when the light is gone. They bug me and call me and drag me around with them. Literally, drag me around by showing up at my house and saying “Let’s go”. And if I don’t want to or refuse (I’m quite stubborn in that way), they’ll sit with me until I can move, even if it’s to get up and get a cup of water.
I have things I use, walking, crafting, taking pictures. Tools, some might call them. This works for me most of the time. But I know myself well enough that when that darkness falls, those tools aren’t going to work. I have to ask for help and that is difficult for me. This is not the blog for the ‘whys’ of why it’s difficult, for now I’m letting it suffice that it is.
Aperio: (Latin) to uncover, to open