As I lay in my bed at two am I’m watching the moon, a full moon, move in and out of the clouds. It peeps around the corner and washes my face with soft light. I can’t sleep. Want to but can’t. Sorrow fills my heart at the thought of someone gone, far too soon.
I changed her diapers. Played with her big brother while she slept. Her parents gave me twenty dollars, just because they could. As a blessing, they said. Their first little house, on the hill with the pool that collapsed after they filled it.
My heart hurts. Not the kind of hurt that you can step away from but a deep aching painful wanting to scream no! kind of hurt. The can’t escape, foot tapping, throat clamping kind of sorrow.
Aaah… I pray for them now, in the light of the moon, thinking, she’s up there right now watching our sorrow. The sorrow of her mom, her sister, her brother, her dad yet she’s in a place where there is no sorrow. Just here, here is where we carry that pain.
I remind myself that it’s not about me, yet it is. I cannot imagine the pain of her family yet I know the pain I feel for them. I feel the loss deeply, not seeing her awareness, her smile, her love for those around her.