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Tears….

Sometimes…

my heart aches

I remember what it feels like

to have moments of absolute joy

other times I want to find a spot in the tall grass

cry myself  to sleep

It sucks to feel so deeply

to look into someone’s eyes and see

loss sorrow pain fear

but…

then I see a person laughing

and the light hasn’t gone

and I feel the joy,

the exuberance

and

I want to stand tall in the field

arms stretched wide

spinning round til I fall

laughing tears

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Shhhh…..

Shhhh…

“i wanna play”
“Shhh, you can’t, she’s still sleeping!”
“but I wanna play now!”
“You’re gonna have to wait til she wakes up”
“She can’t play anyhow, she has to do her chores”
“no chores!”
“Hafta!”
“Both of you be quiet! She needs to sleep or she’ll be tired”
“That’s okay with me if she’s tired, we can lay around”
“You be quiet, if you had your way she’d do nothing!”
“Hrrrump”
“Look, she’s waking up!”
“THAT’S CUZ YOU ALL WON’T BE QUIET!”
“Oops”
“That’s alright you guys, I’ll sing her a song, that’ll help
her go back to sleep”
“okay, the Johnny Cash one!!!”
“Desperado…”

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Mud

Mind unusual directions
especially if your gut
tells you so because
sometimes mud envelops
our spirit, clogs our vision

Making unusual demands
keeping us from wisdom
we've earned through
knowing pain, betrayal and fear
Sometimes mud masks ugliness

Merging uncertain desires
and sorrowful memories
building a place of restraint
keeping us from knowing
the joy of simply
rolling in dirt and water.


 

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Light

How do we get through times so dark

we are incapable of taking a step in any direction, let alone forward. Yet somehow we are able to put on that smile and go about our business. How does that happen?

In my dark times I am locked in a space where the silence is deafening. I am a child on a rock in a stormy ocean. I’m alone yet filled with sounds that crash through my thoughts. Clamoring, berating, whining voices that keep me locked inside my head. Those who know me well can see it because the light goes out of my eyes. Those who don’t just see the smile.

I’m the kind of person who wants to feel peaceful.  Peace comes in many ways. For some it’s busyness and activity and fun-filled, for others it’s having a quiet and comforting space. Happiness is not peace. Peace can be found in the midst of that crashing storm. Happiness is subject to our whims.

So when I find myself in the midst of the storm and there is no peace, I’m in a difficult and dangerous place. There is no connection to anything around me. The birds stop singing, the waterfall no longer crashes,  my surroundings fade away. It’s like I’m standing in fog so dense there is no sound.

I have people I can turn to when I need help and I’m good at that when it’s something tangible, like I’m in physical pain or need something. But when I’m locked in that dark place, I can’t see a way out and I don’t ask for help.

That’s my question, how do we get through that space and back into the light, the peace?

I have a few very close friends who can see when the light is gone. They bug me and call me and drag me around with them. Literally, drag me around by showing up at my house and saying “Let’s go”. And if  I don’t want to or refuse (I’m quite stubborn in that way), they’ll sit with me until I can move, even if it’s to get up and get a cup of water.

I have things I use, walking, crafting, taking pictures. Tools, some might call them. This works for me most of the time.  But I know myself well enough that when that darkness falls, those tools aren’t going to work. I have to ask for help and that is difficult for me. This is not the blog for the ‘whys’ of why it’s difficult, for now I’m letting it suffice that it is.

Meanwhile….

 

Aperio: (Latin) to uncover, to open

 

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Step away from the shadows they’ll pull you in

The coolness and beckoning of need

laying down, embracing

flickering embers of stories that

stay with me, calling

Places of darkness that beckon

feel safe but the warnings on the path

broken twigs crunched leaves

I want that softness that lay me down feeling

that green mossy coolness

to rest my thoughts get away from the clamoring

Step away, from the shadows, they’ll pull you in

I hear someone call my name and I turn

to see shadows falling

Following the sound the sense the want

I find the solace

  my mind is quiet.

Quiet

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Moon Travels

As I lay in my bed at two am I’m watching the moon, a full moon, move in and out of the clouds. It peeps around the corner and washes my face with soft light. I can’t sleep. Want to but can’t. Sorrow fills my heart at the thought of someone gone, far too soon.

I changed her diapers. Played with her big brother while she slept. Her parents gave me twenty dollars, just because they could. As a blessing, they said. Their first little house, on the hill with the pool that collapsed after they filled it.

My heart hurts. Not the kind of hurt that you can step away from but a deep aching painful wanting to scream no! kind of hurt. The can’t escape, foot tapping, throat clamping kind of sorrow.

Aaah… I pray for them now, in the light of the moon, thinking, she’s up there right now watching our sorrow. The sorrow of her mom, her sister, her brother, her dad yet she’s in a place where there is no sorrow. Just here, here is where we carry that pain.

I remind myself that it’s not about me, yet it is. I cannot imagine the pain of her family yet I know the pain I feel for them. I feel the loss deeply, not seeing her awareness, her smile, her love for those around her.

 

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